i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
