this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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