Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
