You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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