i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
