it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
