I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Randomize
