i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
