I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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