When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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