you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
