At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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