Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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