mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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