just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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