who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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