my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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