One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
my nose is crying tears of wow.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
