just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
