mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
