I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
