Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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