ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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