i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
