We're like a lot better than the average bears
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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