Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
