I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
40s are totally the cure
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
