plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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