mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Well I just put wine in my tea
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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