Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
