Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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