Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
