I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
