I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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