I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
