Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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