Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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