I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
