Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
