I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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