I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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