I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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