and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
