smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
