he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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