We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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