She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
YAS. BRING CRAB.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
