making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
