i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
