My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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