so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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