i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
