there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
