GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
