Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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