I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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