My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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