And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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