i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize