Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
