i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
