there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
