I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
